Laracon AU moved from Sydney to Brisbane in 2024, and was held on 7th and 8th November at QUT. For a second year, I was a speaker, with my talk “The Invisible Developer”.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve done: 30 minutes just about me. But more so, my experiences with anxiety, depression and isolation.
There’s no code demo, there’s no lectern to hide behind, it was me, and my story and experiences.
I’m a people pleaser, with unrelenting standards. I work with high-functioning anxiety. I have waves of depression. I feel like I’m never enough, my work is never good enough, and suffer with imposter syndrome. But those unrelenting standards and high-functioning anxiety means I’m not one to show it. Just because someone appears OK doesn’t mean they are.
In the lead up to this year’s conference, the subject matter of my talk was pondered but kept quiet: I didn’t really know how to explain what I’d be talking about without, well, simply talking about it. The other speakers didn’t really know what I would be talking about either.
I’ve been a web developer for over 20 years. I know my stuff, I’m highly skilled and professional. And yet I still feel invisible. This was the starting point for my talk.
After Laracon AU 2023, I felt a little on the outer. Compounded with impacts of social media, I very much felt like I was not one of the “cool kids”. Whatever that means. But brings back all of those high school memories, right? The talks from 2023 really demonstrated that a tech conference isn’t all about code, and it gave me an idea: I felt I had something to say, and approached Michael Dyrynda (organiser of Laracon AU) to see if he thought there was something in it. He encouraged me to submit the talk, and, well, clearly you know the rest now. Michael had so much faith in this that he placed me as the closer for the conference. So, you know, no pressure.
2024 has been a big year for me: moving interstate (creating changes to friendship dynamics too), and the on-going self-work with my own mental health. There’s been highs and lows: but also all of it has led me to where I am now, and became experiences to discuss and share from the stage.
Preparing a logical flow for this talk took its toll on me, and brought up quite a lot. The lead up was emotionally draining, and incredibly challenging to find the right words.
Of course, self doubt comes in, and enjoyed sitting through 15 other talks in the lead up… but also started questioning everything about mine: did it have the right words, the right message, is this the right audience, will anyone care? Being wired up with a mic back stage (but the insanely calm Curtis) had me second guessing everything. Tears would come for no reason. I honestly didn’t think I could do it… but then my intro track started, and was all in: as someone with high functioning anxiety and a people pleaser, when I say I’ll be there, I’ll be there. It was my time. You got this. You can do this.
A couple of people in the audience knew the subject matter: and I knew they would be able to relate, so wasn’t totally alone.
What I was not expecting was the ripples that this talk created, and made waves to reach a room full of attendees, many of which are strangers to me.
I was most definitely not expecting a standing ovation.
The final moments with Michael meant the world to me: and those moments back stage afterwards were incredibly tough and emotional. I am forever grateful to a number of the other speakers who crept backstage and were waiting with the tightest and best hugs and support. You know who you are, and thank you for sharing Laracon AU 2024 with me: you’re all incredible humans. And for (partner) Michael to be waiting at the end of the queue of speakers. He gets me, and knows what I needed.
After the conference was the High Tide event (with our very own Laracon AU fireworks, how awesome!) and during this time, had some intimate talks, fist bumps and hugs with strangers, and learnt that while I feel invisible, it is not just shared with one or two, but created resonance with many.
Nearly two weeks later, I still haven’t quite digested what happened during the talk, its impact and landing, and the continuing reach this talk will have - but I hope it reaches, touches and talks to those who need to hear it.
I’m incredibly grateful to Michael (both Dyrynda and my partner Michael) for immense and words-can-thank-enough support throughout this year.
Special thanks to Michael Dyrynda for your belief in me when I couldn’t see it myself. Who could see something I can’t see. Thank you.
And yes, writing this post has been incredibly emotional. “The Invisible Developer” has unlocked something.
Be kind to others, and take steps to build, nurture and grow positive connections. Be inclusive, be supportive, be loving. Most importantly, remember to also be kind to yourself.
If you need to talk to someone, help is available:
Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14
24-hour crisis counselling, support groups and suicide prevention services.Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636
Increase awareness of depression and anxiety and reduce stigma. Available 24/7 by phone or online chat.Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
24/7 support if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal.Mindspot - 1800 61 44 34
A free telephone and online service for people with anxiety, stress, low mood or depression.Head to Health - 1800 595 212
Helps connect you to local mental health services.MensLine Australia - 1300 78 99 78
A professional telephone and online counselling service offering support to Australian men. 24/7 or chat online.1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732
Available for free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to support people impacted by domestic, family or sexual violence.QLife - 1800 184 527
For LGBTIQ+ people and their loved ones wanting to talk about sexuality, gender, bodies, feelings, or relationships.
The Australian Government has more details, links and resources on the Mental Health Helplines page on the Health Direct website.
Huge shout out to Giles, the event photographer, for capturing incredible photos of the entire event. Love your work!
Comments
Reply on Bluesky to join the conversation.
